Happy Tree Kitties
by sequinnedwings
Summary: WARNING: To all who may or may not read, contains caffeine, hilarity, randomness and, of COURSE, more caffeine! And a squishy hammer.


**Happy Tree Kitties**

**chapter one|**I Swear I'm Not A Turkey Pie, Really!

**A/N: I tend to come out with some **_**very **_**random things and this is only something I will up update when I think of something. Feel free to get your favourite OCs a job, maybe as a host, maybe as a guard, maybe a beauty artist (I really will be using one), maybe a professional torturer. Guards and Torturers are armed with steak knives. Everyone has pepper spray.**

**Plea for Mercy: I DON'T OWN WARRIORS, McDONALD's OR McCAFE!*bursts into tears* I don't own lemons! Or turkey pies! I don't own any real weapons but a Swiss army knife! But I do own a toothbrush (leave it). And a Nokia. And this story, and all the characters but Sunheart, who is owned by my best friend (in real life as well as internet), miss sunheart (yeah, she so copied me). I DO OWN SQUISHY HAMMER! *squish squish!*Also, (THANK GOD) I don't own 'PlayTom'.**

**Hosted by: **

**Tangerineleaf ** -orange tabby she-cat, white paws and chest and tail-tip and deep green eyes -owner of 1,000,000 volts sparkly hot pink taser named Tasey and matching squishy hammer

**Magicflame ** -sparkly black she-cat with flickering golden eyes -owner of a pair of pistols and several daggers -has 2 personal servants

**Spottedblossom** -frosty white she-cat with black spots and pale pink nose -owner of tranquiliser dart gun and dart gun range

**Sunheart ** -golden tabby she-cat with amber eyes -owner of cannon that shoots rainbow unicorns

**Domino ** -I could not help but add this awesome description. She is not actually in this story but might appear occasionally. - name: Domino

rogue group: a select of Scourge's most trusted and experienced killers, called themselves 'Scourge's Angels'.

appearance: small, slender, lithe dull white cat with strange black and gray splotches, and what looks like lots of black and grey pepper sprinkled over her left eye. She has reflective golden eyes that seem to be always slightly glowing, and never show feeling, which means she is notorious for being a barefaced liar, meaning that she is usually involved in deals for dangerous herbs like deathberries, deadly nightshade (taken in small amounts, it is a drug for cats) and fermented catnip (extremely deadly, and the most addictive substance in the world), and things like reinforced claws and, well, getting someone desperate for money, usually bringing them to her group's leader for, um, you get the gist. Usually giving the dealers the slip with what she has traded. Other hobbies including torture.

gender: she-cat

deadly level: Out of 10? I'd say 12. You never know if you are on her good side or not. And if you are on her bad side: one-way ticket to the pit. In other words, hell. I'm actually planning to use her in a story called 'Scourge's Angels'.

Mary-Sue level: -75. You won't find any fluff on her. She has feelings for no-one.

**Guarded by:**

**Grassfur **-gray tom with blue eyes

**Minnowpaw **-blue-ish she-cat with sparkly blue eyes

**Russetheart **-tortoiseshell (black with reddish-orange patches)

**Hollypaw **-white she-cat with bushy tail

**Redpoppy **-tortoiseshell (reddish-orange with black flecks

**Lionpaw **-golden tom with black stripes

**Torturers:**

**Heatherfoot **-lilac she-cat, gray eyes

**Runningbrook **- light brown she-cat with dark amber eyes

The camera rolls. The hostesses are sitting in squashy beanbags around a coffee table with various caffeine drinks (Red Bull for Magicflame, McCafe mocha latte with cream for Tangerineleaf, strong black McCafe coffee for Spottedblossom and English breakfast tea for Sunheart) in a cosy den up a tree with fluffy white shag carpets piled up against the walls.

Tangerineleaf began, "Hello, and welcome to Happy Tree Kitties! We do interviews, dares, and tortures! And randomness! Today we shall be torturing Ashfur, as he is a) a pervert, b) a fibber, and c) a mental hospital escapee. Spottedblossom, fancy summoning Ashfur?"

And that's when a magical laptop randomly appears out of nowhere.

Spottedblossom types on the magical laptop: Ashfur is randomly teleported from StarClan.

Ashfur is randomly teleported from StarClan.

Ashfur said in a deep mew and Bulgarian accent, "Hey! Vat am I doing 'ere? I vas 'unting a vole, vou ice-bitches."

"What the hell is an ice-bitch? And why does he have a Bulgarian accent?" asked Lionpaw

Per usual, everyone ignores him.

Magicflame shrieked. "Shut it or I'll make you shut it!" She draws pistols, Western style.

Spottedblossom slowly dips McDonald's fresh chips into strong black McCafe coffee and eats, also slowly.

Sunheart rolled her eyes. "You are here to be tortured, for being a) a pervert, b) a fibber, and c) a mental hospital ecapee. Any questions?"

"Vho zaid zat? Vy, I zall kill zem viz a toovbrush." Ashfur twirls his 'toothbrush' mustache in a pervy way- does he read PlayTom much? Actually, no-one wants to know...

Spottedblossom types in the magic laptop: Squirrelflight is randomly teleported from her den with Brambleclaw.

Squirrelflight is randomly teleported from her den with Brambleclaw.

Ashfur smirked. Surely they were joking. "Vat, vy beootivul Skirrelvlight betrayed 'er lover, 'er darlink Ashfur, after zo many vispered promizzez an' zecret meetink, an' zee even bore vy kitz!"

Squirrelflight screamed. "You pervert! Feral beast! I'm not your lover, I'm Brambleclaw's mate! There were no whispered promises! There were no secret meetings! I'm your niece! You're no-one's darling!And you hate it!"

Awkward pause.

Minnowpaw stage-whispered, "She understands him?"

Per usual, everyone ignores her.

Tangerineleaf cleared her throat awkwardly. "Well. Onto the torture, then."

"Um." Squirellflight clears her throat and takes a deep, deep, breath. "Ashfur has to be chained to a table, locked in a small room, with me, Brambleclaw, Leafpool, Crowfeather, Lionblaze, Jayfeather, and Hollyleaf (except crazier) and we will be armed with pepper spray, lemons, and steak knives. Oh, and a couple of branding irons and a camera. Firestar can film. He won't mind. We'll post it YouTube."

Spottedblossom types: Ashfur is chained to a table, locked in a small room, with Squirrelflight, Brambleclaw, Firestar, Leafpool, Crowfeather, Lionblaze, Jayfeather, and Hollyleaf (except crazier) and are armed with pepper spray, lemons, and steak knives. And a couple of branding irons and a camera.

Ashfur is chained to a table, locked in a small room, with Squirrelflight, Brambleclaw, Firestar, Leafpool, Crowfeather, Lionblaze, Jayfeather, and Hollyleaf (except crazier) and are armed with pepper spray, lemons, and steak knives. And a couple of branding irons and a camera.

Screams of pain sound in the distance.

"You...you... TURKEY PIE!"

**Three Hour Time Skip**

Screams of pain sound in the distance.

Tangerineleaf mumbles, "God, next time it's gonna be a _soundproof_ room. And don't you forget it."

Sunheart's Nokia beeps unexpectedly.

The owner of that particular Nokia falls off her chair and picks up the Nokia. "It's Squirrelflight." She reads text. "Um, she couldn't post it on YouTube, the moderators wouldn't let her, so it's on RedTube."

"Alright! Apprentices out!" Magicflame shrieked.

Grumbling, the apprentices leave.

Spottedblossom brings up RedTube, clicks on 'Torture' and gasps in shock.

All gasp in shock except Magicflame, who is unmoved.

Sunheart screamed. "OMSC Leafpool and Crowfeather are (censored to prevent readers from being scarred for life) and Ashfur is branded with the PlayTom symbol and 'I like to (censored to prevent readers from having terrifying nightmares)'."

Spottedblossom types something in and everything is back to normal but Crowfeather and Leafpool are teleported to a _soundproof_ room.

**A/N: Well, there you are. R&R.**

**Check out my forum, RushClan.**

**.net/myforums/miss_tangerineleaf/3376119/**

**Love, Missy!**

**xoxo**


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